


Losing My World. (Sequel to Earning My Wings.)

by punkprostitute



Category: Supernatural
Genre: BoyxBoy, Canon Gay Relationship, Cheating Dean, Depression, F/M, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Triggers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-21
Updated: 2015-06-06
Packaged: 2018-03-31 15:27:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 9
Words: 10,979
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3983194
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/punkprostitute/pseuds/punkprostitute
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I couldn't figure it out. No one could. I didn't understand. No one did. Why did they burn away? What happened to my wings?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. One

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings:  
> -mentions of Cheating.

I couldn't stop crying. I could barely make a sentence that could be understood.

I had collapsed to the ground from the pain, practically screaming because of it. Luci, father, and Dean were trying to put it out, but nothing worked.

Now I was inside, after being carried by Lucifer, on the couch, trying to calm down, but I couldn't.

"Cas, babe," Dean said, grabbing my hands, rubbing them with his thumbs. "Calm down, babe. Its okay, we'll figure it out, okay?" He tried. I hugged him tightly, my body shaking from the silent sobs that raked through my body.

"Cassie, its okay. Don't worry," Lucifer said, rubbing lotion on my back. I winced at the pain. It still burnt.

"B-but w-w-why did t-they b-burn?" I sobbed. Dean's hand was running through my hair as I tried to calm down. It wasn't working very well.

"I don't know, Bub. I don't know, but we'll figure it out, okay? I promise you. Father and I will help you," Luci said, pausing his hand.

"And I will too," I heard Dean whisper. He pressed his lips to the top of my head as my sobs shook my body.

I just don't understand why the burned away.

\---

Weeks of research have went by slowly. Still not a thing on why they went away.

Dean hasn't been around much, either. He's always going somewhere with Anna or something. I've learned to get over the fact he still runs with her, but it does hurt that he's with her more than me.

"Castiel! Come here! Jessica is here!" Father yelled from the living room. I was in my room, just laying there with a blade in my hand. I hadn't done anything with it. Just playing with it.

I sat up, standing up, and walked out of my room toward the living room. Jessica normally stopped in to check on me or to get away from Sam.

They've been fighting a little more than usual and I'm both of their get away considering Dean is always gone and doesn't seem to care.

I walked around the corner and saw Jessica in sweatpants and one of Sam's sweatshirts. She smiled at me.

"Hey, Cas," she said, following me as I turned back around to go to my room.

"What happened this time?" I asked, plopping down on my floor. Whenever she came over, we always sat on the floor. It was just a thing.

"He's just drifting from me. He's been working so much lately. They are having him like work extra hours, leaving me with Adrian. I love my son, but I get lonely sometimes," she spilled. I nodded, understanding. I didn't have a job. Father said I can't get one yet, not until I figure out what happened, because people will notice.

"I understand. Where is he now?" I asked, curious.

"Sammy's at home with Adrian, thankfully. He tried to get me to stay home, but I felt if I did, we would fight again about him not being around at all, so I left and came here," she admitted, smoothing out her hair.

"Well, sometimes we need time to ourselves," I said, a small frown on my face.

"Yeah," she said, "where has Dean been?" She asked.

"With Anna," I said, practically hissing her name.

"Really? Wow. I thought he would be helping you rather than actually ditching you pretty much," she said, frustration in her voice.

"I don't know. He probably thinks I'm digging too deep, but this has never happened before except a long time ago and I'm really curious as to why it happened," I said.

"That's understandable. Here, how about I help?" She offered, reaching over and grabbing the open book. I just stared at her.

"Really?" I asked, surprised.

"Yeah! I mean, I don't have anything else to do," she smiled, looking down at the book in her lap. I smiled to myself, grabbing another book and began searching again.

It was about two hours later when we both flopped backward on my bed in defeat. I still couldn't find anything and I'm guessing neither could she.

"Good lord, why is it so hard to find an answer?" She groaned, turning her head towards me.

"I don't even know," I groaned back. There was a sound of a car pulling out front before turning off. I knew the car from anywhere.

It was Dean's.

"Who's here?" Jessica asked.

"Dean," I mumbled, pulling down my sleeves again from where I pulled them up about thirty minutes ago.

There was mumbling downstairs before the footsteps started up the steps. Jessica's phone rang and she answered. It was Sam.

My door opened, but I didn't look at it. I kept my eyes closed before I felt a tap on my knee.

I looked up at him. He was smiling at me, but there was a smear of lipstick on his jaw. I believe Jessica saw it too because her eyes went wide as she looked at him.

"Did you have fun with Anna?" I asked, sarcasm leaking.

"What do you mean?" He asked, confused. I scoffed, sitting up, looking at him.

"I don't know, maybe the pink lipstick on your jaw?" I asked, making his hand shoot up, wiping his jaw.

"Shit," he mumbled under his breath. "Cas, she wouldn't get off of me, I tried to-"

"Save it. I've heard it before," I said, defeated, walking towards the door, Jessica following. "Leaving?" I asked her.

"Yeah, but do you want me to stay?" She asked, in a whisper.

"No, its okay. Go home," I assured her and she nodded. She hugged me, whispering a little 'good luck' in my ear, before leaving.

I grabbed my door knob, closing it before looking back at Dean. He was staring at me suspiciously.

"Are you and Jess a secret thing?" He asked, suddenly. I gasped.

"What?! No! I wouldn't do that to Sam or you!" I said, offended. Why would he even think that?

"Okay, okay! I'm sorry, I just thought," he trailed off. I shook my head, walking passed him, closing the books on my bed and putting them on my desk.

It was quiet for a few minutes before I remembered that a movie that seemed interesting was playing this week. I debated against asking him considering he came in here and tried to lie to me, but I decided to give it a shot.

"So, uh," I started, walking around my room, situating things, "there's this movie playing and since we haven't really done anything together, I was wondering if you wanted to go?" I asked, turning to look at him. The look on his face meant rejection.

"Shit, Cas, I would, I really would, but I promised Anna that I would help her set up for her sister's birthday party," he said, rubbing his neck. I felt a lump form in my throat.

"O-oh," I stuttered. I was the boyfriend, but she's more important.

"I'm sorry, Cas. Maybe tomorrow?" He suggested. I found myself shaking my head.

"No, its fine. I just thought maybe tonight would be a fun one for us, but I was wrong, like always," I found myself saying. It was like I was trying to make him guilty, yet I wasn't.

I just didn't want to fight again because I felt the need to yell at him about it right now, but I knew if we fought, it would take me to the breaking point.

"We can do it tomorrow, okay? I'll pick you up at eight, okay?" He said, walking towards me, putting his hands on my waist. I pictured him doing this with Anna and the lump became bigger.

"Okay," I mumbled, letting him press his lips to mine.

"I love you," he told me. I nodded at him as he left my room.

Why do I always get rejected?


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings:  
> -cutting  
> -suicide mention  
> -suicide thoughts

"What are you doing today, Cassie?" Lucifer asked as I got ready. I hadn't talked to Dean except when I woke up. He had called me, seeing if we were still going to the movies. It was about two in the afternoon right now and I decided that I'd go shopping with Jessica for Sam's birthday.

"Well, I'm going to help Jessica shop for Sam, and Dean said he was going to take me to the movies tonight," I said, smiling slightly. Lucifer frowned.

"Cas, you know he's not good for you, right?" He said, fixing my tie for me. I sighed, nodded. I wanted to defend Dean, but I knew it was the truth.

"I know. I'm trying to make it work, though. I really do love him, Luci," I told him. I saw a small smile on his lips and he patted my shoulder.

"I know you do, bub. I know you do," he said, hugging me. I heard a car pull out front and I assumed it was Jessica. I pulled away from the hug and started walking downstairs, only to be greeted by a small child attacking my legs.

"Hey, little guy," I said, picking him up. He started playing with my tie.

"Hi, uncle Cas," he said, smiling. Jessica walked in, smiling.

"Who knew you would be my son's favorite person," she teased. Lucifer laughed from behind me as he ruffled Adrian's hair.

"Obviously he did," Luci teased back. I chuckled, shaking my head.

"Are we leaving?" I asked her. She nodded and I looked back at Luci smiling at him. "Bye, Luci. I'll be back later. Tell father please," he nodded.

"Bye you three," he said, shutting the door behind us. I put Adrian in his car seat, with a little help from Jessica, and got into the passenger seat.

She pulled out of the driveway and we started our journey to the mall. Adrian had his headphones on, watching a movie on the little TV on the back of Jessica's seat and I sighed.

"Found anything about your wings?" She asked, glancing at me.

"Not yet. I think I'm getting close though," I admitted.

"Good! Sam offered to help, so he's had his face in a book since last night," she laughed. I smiled to myself.

"Its funny how you two will help me, but Dean hasn't even offered," I said, the smile fading.

"Well, he's just being an ass lately. Especially yesterday. Did he really think you would've believed that?" She asked, dumbfounded. I just shrugged.

"He's done that so many times now, I don't even listen to him anymore. It doesn't even hurt now. I just get this numb feeling," I told her, sadly. 

"Wow, that's terrible," she started, "maybe you should just break up with him? I mean, I'm not trying to force you, but from what you tell me, he's a dick," she finished.

"I would, I really would, but I can't bring myself to do it. I love him, Jessica. He's taking me to the movies tonight, so maybe he'll be better and apologize or something?" It came out like a question rather than a statement.

"Maybe. I hope everything does work out between you two, though," she said, hope in her voice. We pulled into the mall parking lot and I nodded.

"Me too," I said, mainly to myself.

\---

Two hours later and we still didn't find anything. Adrian was asleep and we had been through almost every store except for the really expensive ones because we all know no one has the money for those.

"Good god, why isn't there anything to get him?" Jessica sighed, defeated. We sat down in the food court, drinking the things we had gotten to drink a few minutes before.

I pulled out my phone, checking the time, to see that it was almost five or so.

"Who knows. Maybe we could just get him that watch?" I suggested, excitement slightly sparking inside me. I was excited for the movies tonight, honestly. Its been so long since I had a night with Dean.

"Yeah, maybe. Do you think he would like that?" She asked, looking at a sleeping Adrian. She smiled down at her son.

"Yeah. He has been complaining about how he needs a new one anyway," I pointed out, remembering when Sam always complained about it.

"Yeah, that's true," she started, "we should go get it," she smiled, standing up. I followed in suit, standing up, and walking toward the store we saw the watch in.

We left the mall about ten minutes later, walking out to the car. Adrian was still sleeping peacefully and I secretly wished I could be as peaceful as him.

It only took us about thirty minutes to get back home. I knew she had to get home to Sam, so I leaned over and hugged her, waving to a now awake Adrian in the back seat, before getting out. I waved to her as she left and I walked into my house.

It was quiet and I knew that Lucifer was probably gone, but I didn't know where father was. I walked to my room, checking the time again, seeing it was about 5:45pm.

Only about 2 hours left.

I decided to call father, holding the phone to my ear.

"Castiel," he said into the speaker.

"Hello, father. Where are you?" I asked, curiously.

"At the apple store. Your brother broke his phone so we went to the store to get a new one. Did you and Jessica find Sam a present okay?" He asked. I laid down on my bed.

"Yeah. It took us a while, but we decided on a watch," I told him, staring at the ceiling.

"That's good. Lucifer tells me you're going out with Dean tonight?" He asked.

"Yeah. He's picking me up at eight tonight to go to the movies," I said, a smile on my face. I was getting really excited, honestly.

"Good! You two need to spend more time together. Anyway, I'll be home hopefully before you leave, but if I'm not, have fun, Castiel. I love you," he said as Lucifer called him over.

"Love you too, father. Goodbye," I said, hanging my phone up.

I wanted to call Dean, but I decided against it. I laid on my bed, phone in my hands, as I waiting for the time to pass.

\---

It was eight by the time I had finished reshowering and everything. Father and Luci weren't home yet, meaning they probably went out to eat or something.

I sat on the edge of my bed, waiting for the familiar sound of the impala to roll into my driveway. Excitement was flashing through my veins. Even though he's late, I didn't care. Maybe he just lost track of time.

My excitement started to fade by the time it hit eight thirty. The road was quiet and he still wasn't here. My wrists were starting to itch.

Once it hit nine, my excitement was completely gone. I sat straight up on the edge of my bed, still waiting. My neck was starting to hurt.

Nine thirty, I began to lose hope. I found myself slouching in my spot as I continued to wait. Father and Luci had came home ten minutes ago, but I think they thought I was gone. A lump was starting to form in my throat.

Ten, I decided I would try to call him. I had pressed the phone to my ear and waited, but it went to the answer machine. Tears started to form in my eyes.

Ten thirty, I found myself walking toward my dresser where I left the piece of glass I use from the mirror a while back. Tears rolled down my cheeks as darkness engulfed me.

Eleven, I broke. I let out a loud cry as I stared at the piece of glass. I curled up on my bed, clenching the glass in my hand, letting the blood flow from it. I started to think about suicide again.

Eleven thirty, my phone rang. I looked at it and saw it was Dean. I picked it up, but didn't say anything. I just listened to the party he was at. It was a butt dial. The tears started coming more rapidly as I held tighter.

Midnight, I finally fell asleep, but not before I slashed my arms up. I fell asleep, blood coloring my white sheets.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings:  
> -suicide mention.  
> -mention of cheating.

There was the sound of crying as I was being shook awake.

"Cassie, please. Please, wake up," Luci cried. I cracked my eyes open, yawning. I was suddenly being pulled into a tight embrace. I knew my arms were wrapped up because I could feel it around my wrists. They probably thought I tried to kill myself, which is what I really wanted to do, but I didn't.

"Luci?" I grumbled against his chest.

"Thank god, you're still alive. Cassie, what happened last night? You scared father and me so much," he said, continuing to cry. Father ran into my room with something before seeing I was awake.

"Oh good god, Castiel," he said, falling next to Luci and me, crying as well. They both hugged me tightly, crying. I stayed quiet in between them.

"What happened last night?" Luci asked again after a little while.

"Dean never came to pick me up. I waited until midnight. He had called me and he was at a party. He ditched me, Luci. I don't know what happened. I broke by the time it hit about eleven. I didn't know what else to do," I explained. It was true. I didn't know what else to do.

"Dean came by this morning, looking for you," father said, wiping his eyes. I sat up, looking at him.

"Is he still here?" I asked, glancing at the window.

"No, I sent him home after Lucifer found you," he said, grabbing my wrapped up hand. He pulled to his lips and kissed it. "I love you, Castiel," he told me. I nodded.

"I love you too, father," I said back. My phone started ringing and I reached over, picking it up to look at it.

Jess ‹3 :D

I answered it, hearing yelling in the background. "Jessica?" I said into the microphone.

"Castiel! Thank god. Dean came home last night at like one and I asked him how the movies went and he told me he didn't know what I was talking about. Castiel, I'm so sorry! Dean and Sam are fighting. Are you okay?" She said, quickly.

I stayed quiet for a second, debating on telling her or not. "I'm okay, Jessica," I said, deciding against telling her.

"CAS?! CASTIEL! GODDAMMIT JESSICA, LET ME TALK TO HIM!" I heard Dean yell in the background.

"YOU DITCHED HIM, DEAN WINCHESTER! STOOD HIM UP! IF YOU WANT TO TALK TO HIM, YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO GO OVER THERE!" She yelled back before the line ended. I looked down at the phone before between Luci and father.

"I think Dean is going to come back over," I whispered.

"Cassie, I'm not going to let him in if-" I held my hand up before he could continue.

"I want to talk to him," I said, earning a nod from both of them. They hugged me tightly again, kissing my head. They both told me they loved me and that they would be right there if I yelled. I nodded as they left my room, closing the door behind them.

I noticed they took the piece of glass away. Which was probably good, but I had others.

I waited to hear the sound of the impala. It only took a few minutes before I did. I situated myself on my bed, before just waiting for him to walk into my room.

About a minute later, there was a knock on my door, before it was pushed open. Dean appeared in my sight.

"Dean," I said, before he could say anything. I stood up, motioning to where I had been sitting on my bed.

"Cas, what happened to your arm and hand?" He asked, sitting down. I stayed standing, close to my dresser where the other pieces of glass were.

"It happened last night. I squeezed a piece of glass in my hand, waiting for you," I told him, looking in his eyes.

"Castiel," he started, standing up.

"Please, sit down, Dean. I want to ask you something," I said, looking down at the ground. I heard him sit back down before I took a deep breath. "What would you have done if I killed myself last night? Would you have even cared?" I asked.

"Of course I would've. You're my boyfri-"

"Hardly. You never do anything with me, Dean. You stood me up, last night. You were at a party instead of with me," I said.

"I don't always have to be around you, Cas!" He said, getting angry.

"Yes, I know that, but how long has it been since we actually went somewhere together? How long has it been since you actually decided hey, maybe I should go visit Cas?" I asked, hurt.

"Like, a week?"

"Bullshit! Its been more than a fucking week, Dean! Try months! Dean I've barely seen you because Anna occupies your time! You've cheated on me so many fucking times! I don't think you realize how many times I've tied a rope to my ceiling, threatening to hang myself!" I said, loudly. His eyes were wide and I could tell he didn't know what to say.

"I don't think you understand the effect you have on me, Dean. You think that I can just forget about it all and move on from it? I can't. As much as I fucking want to, I can't, Dean. My mind will keep me from doing that for as long as it feels. For as long as I can take and that's when I break. When I finally try to kill myself. You think I like being this way? I fucking hate it! I hate taking everything to heart! Dean, you hurt me beyond repair most of the times, and good god do I want to just break it off, but you wanna know what is keeping me back?!" I stopped, looking at his shocked face. I was getting out of control and tears were already streaming down my face.

"What?" He asked after a second. I honestly wasn't waiting on a reply from him. I just stopped because I knew if I didn't, I would end up screaming.

"Because I fucking love you. I am in love with you, Dean. You are the only person I have ever loved like this. I love you too fucking much to let you go and I hate it because you hurt me so much. You hurt me in ways I didn't know I could be hurt," I said, voice soft and shaky. I wasn't looking at him anymore. I had my back to him as I gripped the side of my dresser, trying not to collapse.

It was quiet for a few minutes and honestly, I had figured he got up and left. That was until he finally spoke.

"Then maybe I should be the one to break it off," he said, barely audible. I felt my whole body stop. I sucked in a deep breath, holding it as I turned around, slowly.

"W-what?" I stuttered out. He looked at me, sympathetically.

"Cas, you don't need me in your life. Like you said, I hurt you too much. If we're together, I'll end up taking you to the point of suicide and you won't fail. You may say you're in love with me, but there's gonna be someone else for you. I promise," he said, examining my face. I felt my lip quiver so I shut my eyes tightly, trying so hard to keep the sob in, but I failed. It came out and I couldn't help it.

I felt a pair of arms wrap around my waist, pulling me close into a tight hug. Immediately, I hugged back, letting myself go. I started crying. Harder than I have ever since the first time I tried to hang myself.

"What did I do to make you not love me anymore?" I cried. I didn't mean for it to come out, but I wanted to know.

"Nothing. I fell for someone else and I'm sorry," he whispered, pulling away and walking to the door. I collapsed to the ground, sobbing.

"Who?!" I yelled at him. He knew I didn't mean it to be mean. I wanted to know who took my Dean away from me. He had his back to me, hand on my doorknob, head down at the ground.

"Castiel, I'm so sorry," he whispered, "I'm so sorry you ever had to deal with me. For all the trouble I've put you through."

"Who!" I yelled again. My body was starting to regain itself and I was about to try to get up when he answered, tearing me down like a building being torn down.

"Anna."

He walked out of my room, shutting the door behind him as the biggest sob raked through my body.

I curled myself into a ball on the floor, punching it as hard as I could. I wanted to fall through the floor. Maybe I would die.

The door opened, but I didn't even bother to look who it was. I only continued to cry.

Two small arms wrapped around my neck and another pair wrapped around my torso. My body shook violently as one spoke.

"Uncle Cas, why are you crying? Are you okay?" Adrian's voice filled my ears and I just shook my head.

"Adrian, baby, go get daddy," Jessica said, making the arms around my head to let go. She rubbed my back, in attempt to kind of relax me at least. It wasn't working, though.

There were more footsteps in my room as a car started, but idled in the driveway. I had a harsh grip on my hair as I waited for the car to leave, but it wasn't.

"I hate everything. I hate my life. Why me? Why do I have to be this way?" I whispered to myself. I heard whispering between Luci, father, and Sam as Jessica rocked me slightly.

My body shook still as sobs raked through it. I only had one thought running through my mind.

Let me die.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warnings:  
> -slight mention of cutting. Not really, though.

The bath water warmed my body as I tried to relax myself.

Its been a few days since Dean broke up with me.

I've been trying really hard to keep myself from cutting again, so I have resorted to taking hour long baths. I had my phone close by, though, just in case someone tried to call me like father, Luci, or Jessica.

I kind of wanted to drown myself, but I knew I couldn't do it. I wouldn't be able to keep myself under for long enough.

I was startled by my phone ringing.

I cracked my eyes open, shifting to lean out of the tub to see who was calling. I looked at my phone, which was on the floor, and was shocked at what it said.

Dean ‹3 :)

I hesitated, but finally decided to answer it. I dried my hand off on the towel next to my phone and picked it up.

"Hello?" I said into the speaker. There was shuffling on the other end before the sound of the phone being picked up.

"Cas? I didn't think you would pick up," he said. I heard the springs of his bed as he sat down. I leaned back into the water, just sitting up a bit higher so my phone didn't get wet.

"I didn't want to, and you interrupted my bath, but," I stopped myself.

"Oh, I'm sorry," he said. I took a deep breath. Our conversations were short.

"What did you want?" I asked, a little harsher than intended.

"Oh, uh, today's Sammy's birthday party and Jess and I were trying to get a few people over so we can celebrate a bit," he explained.

"You want me to come?" I asked, shocked slightly. I didn't think I would be invited. 

"Yeah. I mean, if you're not busy," he said, quickly. He was acting weird.

"What time?" I asked.

"Any time."

I stayed quiet for a second, contemplating whether I should go or not. I sighed.

"Okay. I'll be over there soon," I said, hearing an 'okay' before I hung up. I set my phone further away from the tub this time, getting up to get out.

I looked at myself in the mirror. There was this little spark of excitement inside of me and I didn't know why.

Because you get to see Dean again.

I shook my head violently, starting to dress myself.

Was that really the reason?

\---

I was standing outside of their house. I had told father and Luci that I was going to Sam's birthday. They reluctantly agreed. They didn't want me seeing Dean again, but Sam is my friend.

I saw a figure move from the other side of the window and I took a deep breath, gaining the courage to go up to the door. I knocked on it, but didn't have to wait long because Dean opened it almost immediately after I knocked.

He looked good and it made a lump form in my throat.

He had gotten a haircut. His eyes looked especially bright, but there was a light red tint to them, almost as if he had been crying earlier today. He had a black, tight long sleeve shirt on, framing him perfectly, and a pair of nicely fitting jeans.

"You can come in," he said, after a second. I watched as his eyes looked me up and down before stepping aside, letting me in. I hesitated before taking my coat off, looking at Dean with a confused look, as I hung it up.

"Where is everyone?" I asked, looking around the empty house.

"Jessica and Adrian went to get something from the store and Sammy isn't home yet. Dad is at work," he said. I swallowed thickly.

We're alone.

I sat down on his couch, him sitting on the other side of it. It was awkward.

"So, how've you been, Cas?" He asked, a certain tone in his voice. I knew he was edging to what had happened a few days ago. I hesitated before I answered.

"I've been alright," I lied. I mentally scolded myself because I've never been good at lying. You could always tell because my voice would hitch in the middle of the lie. Dean sighed.

"I know you, Cas. I know you're not alright," he said, looking me in the eye. I couldn't look away.

"How are you and Anna?" I asked, not really wanting to know because it just made the lump in my throat worse, but I was being nice.

"Well, we aren't together yet. We've been a lot of places together though. She likes to party. Its a change from you to her. The other day, we went to this show on ice, I don't even remember what it was, but she looked really bored and I felt kind of bad," he stood up, starting to pace around the room. A nervous habit of his.

Why was he nervous?

"So, I took her to a party. She looked happier. And then just yesterday or something, we decided we wanted to see that new scary movie that came out, you know? And so we went to the movies, and she chose our seats as I bought the popcorn and when I sat down I realized what seats we were in and goddammit, Castiel, I fucking miss you. I can't stop thinking about you when I'm with her and I fucking regret everything I did to hurt you. I said I fell for her, which isn't exactly a lie, but I still love you. I still remember everything that has happened between us and I just can't fucking take it anymore and I am so sorry I just-" he pressed his lips tightly to mine, catching me off guard.

He had moved to hover over me, hands landing on my face as he kissed me. I instantly kissed him back, missing the feeling of his lips so much. I hated myself for it. For kissing him back rather than pishing him away, but I can't help it. I'm in love with him and my body wants him to love me back.

He pulled away, but I kept my eyes closed. I felt his forehead against mine as his thumbs softly stroked my cheeks. I could feel the tears in my eyes as I opened them.

"I hate you," I whispered, staring at his beautiful emerald green eyes. "I hate you so fucking much, yet I am in love with you and I don't know what I'm supposed to do," I finished, a tear falling, but he swiped it away with his thumb before it got too far.

I pushed him away from me, standing up before wrapping my arms around his neck and hugging him tightly. I tired to keep the cries in. A few tears would fall every few seconds, but that was okay. His arms wrapped tightly around my waist and held me close to his chest just like he used to do.

I missed this.

I buried my face into the crook of his neck as we just stood in the middle of his living room, hugging.

"What are we?" I asked after a few minutes of standing there in silence.

"I don't know," he whispered in my ear. Normally, I would've been mad at this answer, but I shocked myself.

Why?

Because I was okay with it this time. I didn't want to know what we were for once. I was completely fine with not knowing because not knowing meant there wouldn't be any labels and if he changes his mind again, it won't hurt as bad as the first time because technically we were never a thing again.

"I love you," I found myself whispering against his neck. His grip got tighter and I felt his head turn to nuzzle in my neck as well.

"I love you too," he whispered back.

I heard a car pull into their driveway, but Dean didn't move. I tightened my arms a bit around him, scared that I would lose him again.

"C'mon," he said, pulling back to grab my hand before walking quickly up the steps and toward his room. I heard the door open downstairs as Dean shut his door before I was guided to his bed and pushed down on it.

He crawled next to me and cuddled me close to him. Memories flooded my mind of Dean and I sleeping over at each others houses.

Of the nights he took me places.

Of the night I told him everything.

Of the night he took my virginity.

I found myself crying again. It wasn't hard to get me to cry, but Dean hugged me close, whispering in my hair, trying to calm me down.

I had my arms tucked in between our bodies as his arms were wrapped tightly around me.

He kept whispering calming things to me as he twisted our legs together after I kicked my shoes off. There was only four words coming out of my mouth and it was more of a plead rather than a statement.

"Don't let me go."


	5. Chapter 5

"You're okay. It's okay," he whispered, pulling me closer. I had my face smashed in his neck, crying. He didn't understand. It wouldn't be okay.

I heard a faint knock on his door, but I stayed where I was, gripping onto Dean's shirt in tight fists. I heard the door click open as a voice filled the room.

"Dean? Are you- oh," it was Sam, "I was just saying that I was home and Jess should be here in a few minutes," he finished. I felt Dean nod at him before the door closed again.

"I love you, Castiel," he whispered. I shifted so that I was looking at him before I pressed my lips to his. I was still crying, but I didn't care. He's seen me at my worst and this isn't even close to that.

He rolled over so that he was hovering over me as he kissed me. I missed the warmth, but at least he was still here. I kissed him with so much need and want. I didn't want to lose him. Not again.

He broke away, pressing light kisses along my jaw, toward my ear. He lightly bit my earlobe, sucking on it for a second before moving back down. He pulled away to look at me. He wiped away the stray tears, smiling down at me softly.

"Dean," I said, making his face go into a look of confusion.

"Hmm?" He hummed, pushing my hair back out of my face. I took a deep breath, more tears threatening to fall.

"I love you. I want you back, Dean. I want you to be mine forever, but I just. I don't know if I could take that. I know you really like Anna and that will probably progress and I don't want to go through that again," I told him.

"Cas-" I held up my finger to his mouth, stopping him.

"You don't understand how tempting you are. If you asked me to be yours, I guarantee that I would say yes without a doubt. Then I would start thinking about it after a while and I don't know if I'd be able to cope," I continued, "Goddammit, Dean, I hate you so much for everything you've done to me. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you," I kept repeating it, closing my eyes tightly.

"I'm so sorry," he whispered, pressing his lips to mine again. I opened my eyes, catching his green ones as he pulled away. "Don't cry, Cas. Its okay," he told me, obviously seeing the tears brimming my eyes.

I brought my arms up to wrap around his body, making him fall on top of me. I didn't care though. I just wanted to hug him. I didn't want him to let me go ever again even though I knew he would.

We didn't say anything else. We only laid there, embraced in each other's arms. I was on the verge of falling asleep and I think Dean was too because he shifted, rolling off of me to get more comfortable before embracing me again.

That was until Adrian opened the door, that is.

"Uncie Dean! Uncle Cas!" He yelled, running toward the bed. I held onto Dean tighter, knowing he would be letting go soon.

"Adrian, come on! Dean is probably sle- oh. Adrian, go find daddy, okay?" Jessica's voice filled the room. I knew she was going to ask questions.

"Okay, mommy!" Adrian said, stomping out as he ran. The door clicked and I knew that she was still in here.

"Hi, Jess," Dean said, shifting his head slightly. His grip loosened slightly on my waist and I shifted closer to him.

"Don't let me go," I whispered, barely audible. He tightened his grip again, making me smile slightly to myself.

"Is Cas awake?" I heard her ask. I shifted, glancing back at her. "Have you been crying?" She asked.

I stayed quiet. I looked away from her, looking back at Dean, who was already looking at me.

"What did you do, Dean?" She asked, getting aggravated.

"He didn't do anything," I found myself saying. "I just miss him a lot and I don't want him to let me go again," I finished. The room was silent and his grip on me both tightened and loosened somehow. I was scared.

"Don't hurt him again, Dean. He's like a brother to me and I will fuck you up," Jessica said in a warning tone. Dean didn't say anything. He didn't nod or anything. I took that as a warning to make sure I don't get too deep into this.

The door opened and closed again and I looked up at Dean who was looking down at me. I leaned up a bit, connecting our lips in a soft kiss. I moved my hands to his face as his slowly rubbed up and down my back.

I pulled away, nuzzling my face into his neck, closing my eyes. I shifted a bit to get comfortable before waiting until sleep condensed me.

I wish we could stay like this forever.


	6. Chapter 6

"Castiel, we've known each other for a few years now, and honestly, you're the best thing that has every happened to me. You're absolutely perfect, even with your scars. I love you, so much, Cas. So, would you a favor for me?" Dean said, grabbing my hands as he bent down on one knee. Tears welled up in my eyes, I couldn't stop smiling. "Will you marry me?"

He pulled out a small black box, opening it, to reveal a sliver band.

I nodded my head furiously. "Yes, god yes!" I said, falling to my knees, wrapping my arms around his neck.

I felt a cold sensation on my finger and my smiled widened instantly.

I was going to marry the love of my life.

I woke up, smiling, until I realized I was alone. I rolled over, looking around, but saw nothing. Actually, I saw my own room.

When did I get home?

I rolled back over, curling myself into a ball, tears welling up in my eyes. I felt like a baby, but I'm sensitive. I've always been sensitive.

"You said you'd stay," I whispered to myself. I let out a choked cry, feeling my body shake a little. 

I didn't hear the door open, so when a hand landed on my back, I jumped. I turned over to see Dean's worried expression.

I gasped, turning over to fully wrap myself around him. He sat down on the edge of my bed, stroking my hair.

"I thought you left," I whispered, muffled by his shirt.

"I'm right here. Your father wanted you home, so I brought you home," he said, running his hands through my hair. I didn't say anything, only snuggled more into his stomach.

I leaned back after a few minutes, looking up at him. I sat up, leaning forward to press my lips against him. He immediately kissed me back, his tongue pushing its way into my mouth.

"I love you," he whispered, pulling away just slightly.

"I love you too," I said back, looking into his emerald green eyes. "I had a dream about us," I said, watching him pull away more.

"What about us?" He asked, sitting crisscross on my bed. I smiled, remembering the dream.

"You uh," I started, suddenly getting really embarrassed because we're technically not together. "You proposed to me," I said, quietly.

"What?" He asked, confused.

Of course he didn't hear me.

I took a deep breath, smiling at him. "You proposed to me," I said, louder, yet shyly.

"Really?" He asked, a smile on his face. I nodded.

"It was amazing. You had taken me out to everywhere we went together and the last place we went was the aquarium and I wanted to go see Oliver, but you wouldn't let me, and finally when you did, you were just talking to me and telling me that I was the best thing that happened to you and then you proposed and it was just amazing," I said, realizing I was rambling, before stopping.

He smiled at me, taking my hands in his. "That's really amazing," he said. I smiled and nodded at him like a child.

Maybe one day it'll become a reality?

His phone started ringing and he pulled it out, his eyes kind of lit up, yet dimmed. It was weird. He answered the phone, averting eye contact with me.

"Hey," he answered. I stayed quiet. "I'm with Castiel, so yes, I'm busy," he said. Shock swept across his face before a slightly aroused look over came the shock. "You can't just, no! I told you I'm busy!" He said, shaking his head, hanging up the phone. "Sorry," he said, rubbing the back of his neck.

"Anna?" I asked, voice cracking slightly. I covered it up with a cough.

"Yeah," he said, looking at me. He smiled, leaning forward and pressing his lips to mine again. I put my hands on his face holding him there as he licked into my mouth.

"Castiel? Are you awake?" Luci's voice came from the other side of the door before I heard it open. I pulled away from Dean, taking a deep breath as I leaned my forehead against his. I pulled back, looking at Lucifer who had this look of happiness yet annoyance.

"Hi, Luci," I said, a soft smile on my face. Dean turned to look at my brother.

"How are you doing?" He asked, staying away from Dean. Which was probably a good thing.

"I'm good, I think," I said, squeezing Dean's hand. I saw Dean smile, looking down at his lap.

"Good. Well, I just wanted to-" there was a loud crash from downstairs, startling all of us. Lucifer leaned out of my door. "Father?" He called, no one answered. I instantly stood up, walking quickly to the door, following Lucifer, leaving Dean sitting there.

"Father!" I said, seeing his head. I pushed passed Lucifer, running down the steps and toward father. I bent down next to him, trying to shake him awake, but he wouldn't. I felt his pulse and my heart dropped.

"Father? C'mon, wake up," Lucifer said, shaking him.

"Lucifer," I whispered, pulling his hand to his neck. There was sadness that came across his face.

"Call 9-1-1, now," he said, starting to do chest compressions. I stood up, running to my room, almost pushing Dean down in the process, before grabbing my phone and calling 9-1-1.

"9-1-1, what is your emergency?" A voice said.

"Help! My father isn't breathing!" I said, frantically. I gave her my address after she told me what to do and hung up. I ran back downstairs, trying to help, as was Dean, but I couldn't. I started crying and I fell limp on the floor.

"Cassie, it's okay," Luci said, continuing to do CPR. I felt two arms wrap around my body and hold me up as people barged through my house. They put father on a stretcher and took him away. I wanted to go with, but Lucifer made Dean make me stay at home.

The door shut and I tried to get out of Dean's grip, but it was too strong. I fell limp in his arms, crying.

"Everything was starting to get better!" I screamed. Dean was attempting to calm me down, but I couldn't stop crying.

Life never works out in my favor. Why would it now?


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings:  
> -Suicide Attempt.  
> -Trigger

I didn't want to move.

I didn't want to live.

The only thing that was making me not kill myself was Lucifer and Dean.

Father had died that night at the hospital and it tore me to pieces. I wanted him back.

Lucifer was gone a lot, not wanting to be, but he had to because of school. He had instructed Dean, Jessica, and Sam to keep an eye on me constantly because he didn't know what I would do.

Right now, I was sitting in the corner of my room, a handful of pills in my hand, with my head down in my knees.

Dean left to go get something for Adrian because he was over too. I had faked being asleep so he would think he could just go really quickly.

I was alone for once in a few days and it felt good. I wanted to be alone. I understand that they're trying to make sure I don't do anything, but I don't want to be hovered over all the time, though. I had looked up things about my wings again and what I had found tore me up even more.

I took a deep breath, lifting my head to stare at the pills in my hand. Tears started to form in my eyes. I was just about to down the pills, when Dean walked in.

"Shit, Cas!" He said, dropping whatever he had and ran over to me. I tried to take the pills, but the second I put them in my mouth, I couldn't swallow them because a sob raked through my body.

"No!" I yelled, trying to keep my mouth shut so he couldn't get them out. He grabbed my face with one hand, sitting in my lap. He looked at me in the eyes.

"Castiel, please. Spit them out," he said, softly. I shook my head, tears still falling. "Please. Spit them out," he repeated.

I shook my head, taking a deep breath, before swallowing. They hurt going down, but it didn't matter. Dean's eyes went wide and he pried my mouth open.

"I'm sorry," he said, before shoving his fingers down my throat. I gagged, feeling them come back up. I started coughing after the pills came back up, everything landing on Dean. I continued to cough and cry. "Come on," he said, standing up and pulling up with him. 

I wanted to refuse getting up, but I couldn't. I was too weak. I let him walk me to the bathroom and he shed his shirt, turning on the shower. He unbuttoned my shirt before putting his hands on either side of my face.

"You're okay. Its okay," he whispered. My lip was quivering as he finished taking off his clothes and helping me with mine as well. He let me get in first, letting me stand under the hot water coming from the showerhead. I sat down, pulling my knees up again like how I was sitting in my room before he caught me. I felt his arms wrap around my waist and his bare chest press against my back. "You're okay. You don't need to do that," he whispered, pressing soft kisses on the back of my neck.

I wanted to respond, but I knew it would make things worse, so I didn't. I sat there, head in my knees, and Dean wrapped around me with water flowing down onto us.

After a few minutes of sitting there, I felt Dean shift behind me slightly. I pulled my head up, turning it to look at him. He smiled softly at me, his eyes searching my face for something.

"I l-love you," I stuttered out, leaning forward to press my lips to his. He immediately kissed back and turned me around so I was more comfortable.

"I love you too," he whispered against my lips, kissing me deeper.

\---

When Dean and I got out of the shower, after he took my mind off of things, Sam and Jessica were waiting for us.

"What were you two doing?" Jessica teased. I couldn't smile. I couldn't even force one. 

"Cas just needed something to take his mind off of everything," Dean said, leading us to my room. I looked at the corner I was sitting in before Dean had came in and saw a few pills scattered.

"What's with the pills?" Sam asked, picking Adrian up.

"Uh, Castiel had a little incident," Dean said, making me look at the ground.

"Oh, what happened, Cas?" They asked. I knew they wanted to help. I knew that they weren't trying to be nosy.

"I-I don't know. I-It just h-happened," I stuttered. I couldn't talk right for some reason.

"I had walked in right before he popped them in his mouth and I dropped everything and as I reached him, he had put the pills in his mouth. I tried to get him to spit them out, but he swallowed them, which resulted in me shoving my fingers down his throat," Dean explained more elaborately.

"Cas," Jessica said, walking over to me and hugging me. I wrapped my arms around her, burying my face into her shoulder.

"I'm s-sorry. I d-didn't want to l-live anymore," I said, choking back the tears. I didn't want to hurt them, but I just really didn't want to live anymore.

"Its okay, darling. You can get through it," she whispered. I didn't reply. She stepped away because Adrian started saying my name.

"Uncle Cas! I want Uncle Cas!" He said, reaching toward me. I nodded at Sam and he gave him to me. Adrian smiled at me. "What's wrong?" He asked with a lisp.

"Uncle Cas just isn't feeling good, buddy," I said, surprisingly, not stuttering.

"Get better!" He said, reaching up to feel my face. I smiled at him, kissing his head.

"Maybe I will," I mumbled, trying to reassure myself, but knowing I wouldn't get better.

\---

Sam and Jessica had left with Adrian so it was just me and Dean again. It was quiet, just music playing softly from some speakers Sam had brought at Dean's request.

"Come on," Dean said, sitting up from where I was almost asleep. I groaned, clinging to his arm.

"I don't want to move," I mumbled, putting my leg over his waist to try to stop him from getting up.

"We can dance, darling," he said, pushing my hair out of my eyes. It was tempting, I'm not going to lie.

"I don't want to move," I said again. He laid back down, pressing his lips to mine.

"Come on, angel," he said, rolling away, actually managing to pull me with him. I gasped as we fell off the bed, landing with a thud on the floor, me on top of Dean.

"You're a dick," I said, sitting up so I was straddling him. He grabbed my hands, smirking at me.

"Yeah, one that you like having inside of you," he said, cockily. My eyes went wide and a blush crept onto my face. He laughed, sitting up and pecking my lips. "I love you," he said, smiling. I smiled to myself, letting him pick me up, struggling a bit as he stood up.

Once he finally stood up, he put my feet down on the ground and grabbed my waist, pulling close to him. I wrapped my arms around his neck out of instinct, watching his face.

He started swaying to the beat, moving me with him. I sighed, leaning my head on his shoulder, burying my face into his neck.

"Why does my life have to suck?" I asked, meaning it to be rhetorical.

"It doesn't suck, angel. You just have a challenging one," he said, still swaying. I stayed silent, remembering what I read on the computer about why I lost my wings.

/"The reason one would lose their wings, is because the trial was reversed. Meaning if you were to get a promotion, you would get your wings with it, and if you were fired, they would burn away."/

I sighed, taking in a deep breath Dean's scent as we danced to the songs. One thing coming to realization.

When he says he loves me, he's lying.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys. I am officially a junior in high school now. Today was my last day! :D


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings:  
> -suicide mention

Things were starting to go down hill again.

Lucifer hasn't even called to see how I've been.

Sam, Jessica, and Adrian have moved somewhere out of state.

Dean is the only one I have left, and I still don't really have him.

He's been with Anna all the time. Half of it is my fault though, because I somehow convinced him that I was better. That I would be able to be by myself for once in my life.

I don't know why he believed me.

I grabbed my phone, dialing Lucifer's number and holding the phone to my ear. I was freaking out for some reason. Tears were forming in my eyes and I was trying to distract myself.

"Hello?" His voice said through the phone. It sounded groggily.

"Luci," I said, voice cracking a bit.

"Cassie, are you okay?" He asked, worry filled his voice.

"Where have you been? No one is here anymore. They're all gone. I miss you. I'm freaking out and I want to kill myself, but I also want to live and I can't do this thing with my mind anymore, Lucifer. I can hardly stand it," I said, falling to my knees at the top of the stairs. I heard shifting on the other side of the phone, mumbling, and then he picked it up again.

"Cas, what do you mean, they're all gone? You have Sam, Jessica, and Dean," he said, confused. I started shaking my head.

"N-No I don't! Sam and Jessica m-moved and Dean thinks I'm o-okay," I tried to explain. It was hard to think. I could always put an end to my thinking, though. No one is here to stop me.

"Shit, I can't come home right now. I have a huge important test tomorrow and I can't come home, Cas. Please, just try to make it through, okay? Call Dean or Jessica," he said. I agreed to it, telling him bye, before staring at my phone.

Should I call them?

No. You're not that important.

Okay, I won't.

I sat at the top of my steps, not moving, only crying into my knees. There was a car outside that pulled up, but I didn't move. The car sounded familiar, so I knew it was Dean.

There was knocking on the door before it opened. I stayed when I was, only holding my breath to not make a sound, which failed.

"Angel? Are you here?" Dean asked, footsteps getting closer. I heard a small gasp at the bottom of the steps before he ran up them, wrapping his arms around my shaking body. "Shh, its okay, babe. I'm here," he said, kissing the top of my head.

"Y-you don't love me," I found myself saying before I could stop myself.

"What? Of course I love you, Castiel," he tried, but I pushed away from him, trying not to let a sob escape.

"No, I-I lost my w-wings because you don't l-love me anymore!" I said, the sob escaping as I ended. He pulled me close again.

"I'm sorry, Cas. I'm so sorry," he whispered, continuously. He was rubbing his hand up and down my back, trying to calm me down.

"I don't know what to do with myself anymore, Dean," I said, after I had calmed down.

"What do you mean?" He asked, running his hand through my messed up hair.

"I want to kill myself because it would be easier for everyone because then they won't have to deal with me, but I don't. I want to be able to live and have a husband and stuff, but I can't get passed this depression and I don't want to live anymore," I tried. I didn't know how to explain it. 

"Its okay, Cas. If you tough it out, I'm sure it'll get better. You're still one of my best friends, you know that. I'll always be here for you, alright?" Dean assured. I nodded against his chest, closing my eyes.

"I just wish my life was different," I whispered to myself. It was true. I hated the life I was given.

Father always told me that God had a plan for everyone. That everything happens for a reason.

Maybe the reason I haven't gotten away with killing myself yet is the fact that its not what's supposed to happen?

Maybe one day I will be able to live without caring what people say or do.

Maybe one day I'll be able to have a family of my own.

Maybe one day, I'll be happy.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings:  
> -Trigger  
> -Suicide  
> -Gun Use

Author's POV.

-3 years later.-

Everything had changed.

Castiel didn't have anyone anymore.

Sam and Jessica lost contact with him.

Lucifer had passed because of a car crash.

And Dean hasn't said a word to him in a year.

His life wasn't getting any better.

Only worse.

The urges have started to get ahold of him. He has went to attempt to kill himself, but couldn't bring himself to do it.

Tonight, though, seems to be different.

There's faint music playing through the house. It was Dean's favorite song.

Castiel sat at the table, looking at his folded hands as he cried silently.

\---

"Sammy!" Dean said, excitedly as he opened the door to reveal his little brother. They haven't seen each other in a while. Sam was going to college, leaving Jessica with Adrian.

"Hey, Dean," Sam said, smiling. He looked behind him to see Jessica walking up behind him with Adrian.

"Hello, Dean, Anna," Jessica said as Anna came into view. Dean stepped aside, letting them in.

"Let's get this party started!"

\---

Sobs raked through his body.

Castiel knew Dean and Anna were together.

They have been for almost two years.

He ran his hands through his hair, gripping it in fists and pulling tight, screaming.

"Why can't I be happy!" He screamed, crying louder. He stood up, walking to his room and grabbing the one thing that wouldn't fail him.

A gun.

\---

"So, how have you guys been?" Jessica asked Dean and Anna.

"We've been wonderful! Everything has been working out," Anna said, grabbing Dean's hand and squeezing, making him smile.

"Have you guys talked to Castiel in a while?" Sam asked, as if just coming to realization that he was an actual person still. Everyone went silent except for the laughs coming from Adrian who was playing with his toys.

"No, I haven't. I haven't talked to him at all in like a year, now that I think about it," Dean said.

I hope he's okay. Dean thought to himself.

In all honesty, he did love Castiel. He really did, but Anna was the one who was there for him rather than him be there for her. He fell for her and he couldn't control it. She was someone to rant to about Cas.

"Well, its whatever. Hopefully he's living a way better life," Sam said, smiling.

"Yeah," Jessica said, a small sigh escaping her lips. "Well, let's have fun rather than get upset!" She said, laughing.

Everyone agreed.

\---

Castiel was sat at the table again. Three things sitting in front of him as the tears kept coming.

His cell phone.

A gun.

And one bullet.

He was shaking, crying. He grabbed the bullet and the gun, loading it, before spinning the cylinder.

He picked up the phone, dialing 9-1-1.

"9-1-1, what is your emergency?" The voice said.

"There was a suicide," he said, voice cracking and shaking.

"What is the address and the name, sir?"

"Castiel Novak," he paused, taking a deep breath, before telling her his address.

He hung up, grabbing the gun again, pressing the cold barrel on the side of his head, squeezing his eyes shut, pulling the trigger.

Click.

\---

Dean was drinking a beer, arm around Anna's waist, laughing with his brother and practically stepsister, occasionally watching Adrian play with his toys.

Music playing throughout the house, the environment relaxed.

\---

Castiel took another breath, pulling the trigger again.

Click.

\---

The night was moving in quickly. The sun was setting and the house was getting darker.

"Who wants to watch a movie?" Anna suggested.

"Me!" Adrian yelled, standing up and stumbling over to them. Everyone laughed, letting Adrian pick the movie, before they settled down on the couch, letting the movie start.

\---

Click.

\---

Anna had fallen asleep on Dean's shoulder, Jessica was sleeping with Adrian in her arms and her head in Sam's lap. Dean smiled to himself.

"So, are you thinking about making you and Anna a serious thing?" Sam suddenly asked, catching Dean off guard. He wasn't sure if he wanted to or not anymore. Not after Sam had brought up Castiel earlier.

"I'm not sure, honestly. Been thinking about a few things," Dean replied. Sam nodded, turning to watch the end of the movie.

Dean let his thoughts take over.

I wonder what Cas is doing right now?

\---

Police sirens could be hard only faintly in the distance. They were coming.

Click.

\---

The movie had ended and Sam stood up, slowly so he wouldn't wake Jessica. Dean did the same.

"You can sleep in dad's bed if you want," Dean offered, noticing his brother stumbling around, struggling to stay awake.

"Yeah, alright," he said, yawning. The two walked up the steps and started towards the different rooms.

"Goodnight, Sammy," Dean said, a small smile on his face.

"Night, Dean," Sam said, shutting the door.

Dean laid down on his bed, getting comfortable, closing his eyes to attempt to sleep.

\---

Castiel's hands were starting to become more steady, but the tears came more rapidly.

The sirens getting closer.

Click.

\---

Dean was the last one awake, but only barely. He couldn't shake a certain feeling he had in his gut.

Something bad was going to happen, but he didn't know what.

\---

Blue and red flashed through the windows.

Car doors opened and slammed shut.

Banging on the front door started.

Castiel took a deep breath.

"I love you," he whispered, pulling the trigger one last time.

Bam.

\---

Dean was the first one awake. He went downstairs, noticing that the news was on. He turned it up a little bit when he saw something about a suicide around where they were that just happened.

"A death by suicide happened last night at the Novak residents. Castiel Novak, age 25, took his own life after calling in a suicide to the police right before."

Dean stared at the screen as they showed a picture of the all too familiar blue-eyed boy.

A single tear, falling down his cheek as he thought to himself.

Now you'll always be an angel.

You'll always be my angel.


End file.
